For some reason, I have always suffered from "the Bad Boy effect." Because while I am the quintessential good girl, I am always attracted to the "bad boys" in the media: Fonzie from "Happy Days," Rhett Butler in the book Gone With The Wind (not the movie), and more recently, the Phantom in Phantom of the Opera. Even my favorite good guys were fairly violent, always getting into fights defending the woman they loved.
It took me a long time to recognize this trend in my life, and when I did, it troubled me. Why did I, a Christian, find myself attracted to not-necessarily-Christian people and characters? Then again, I had always been level-headed in the romance department of my real life. I had one major crush throughout my entire teen years. I had a two-page essay on the standard I was looking for in a man. Maybe I had it all figured out.
Then came a random guy in a random place at a seemingly random time. We were at my friend's house at the same time. He was hardly anything on my list. He was short, didn't go to church faithfully, drank, partied, smoked, had a practically X-rated MySpace...but he had brown eyes, a charming smile, a horrible childhood, and set his sights on me. To top it off, my parents were totally against it.
A real Romeo and Juliet.
For the first time in my life, I was truly tempted. Satan had laid his trap well.
But Jesus, in spite of it all, was looking out for me too. I definitely believe He allowed this temptation for a specific reason. He let me get just close enough to this guy to see what I would be "missing," to let me see that I didn't want to make that leap, not really. I envision it like a parent lifting their child up to see over a railing, to see how far they will fall if they don't obey warnings.
That summer, I had the most chaotic friendship I've ever had. We enjoyed each other's company, though never alone by mandate of my parents. We spoke on the phone almost two hours a night. But we constantly disagreed, on major things that matter. Our commonalities were over trivial things, such as ordering the same nachos and loving A Muppet Christmas Carol. (This led me to declare to my friend one night, "He doesn't understand! You can't build a relationship on nachos and A Muppet Christmas Carol!" She has declared this her favorite quote ever.)
On top of that, he was irresponsible, unreliable, and unpredictable, and I grew tired of it. He became frustrated when he couldn't wear my defenses down. Eventually he declared it was a dating relationship or nothing and he wound up with nothing.
Satan tried to use that. While we hadn't been dating and it wasn't a breakup, it did leave a void. Suddenly my evenings were empty. The phone was silent. I sat alone in the pew on Sunday morning (although there had always been a brother between us). Whereas before I had felt not-quite-so-single, I now felt more single than ever. Satan tried to persuade me it was my fault, that maybe I could have had everything I ever wanted and I blew it.
Once again, Jesus saved the day. He reminded me that yes, I could have had a boyfriend, but I would have had to forsake everything I truly ever wanted--Jesus and a life in God's will--to have it. I would have grown even lonelier in a relationship where I was the only one interested in serving God. (Recently I heard of a lady whose husband doesn't share her faith and he drank and they fought and now, they haven't heard from him in over a month. She has no idea where he is and if he's okay. I reminded myself that I could very well have escaped that same fate.)
I thought maybe all that would cure me of my bad-boy attraction but it didn't. I fought it again and will probably fight it till my wedding day. (Lucky for me MOST of the time my bad boys are decent people, not punks with their pants around their knees, but bad is bad nonetheless, right?)
But I have come to see it as a very tangible representation of Spirit vs. Flesh. Our flesh will always want the world and the Spirit will always have to help us make the right choice. However the Bible says God is with us every step of the way and I try to cling to that, as should all of us single people. Even those not attracted to the "bad" ones may find themselves attracted to the wrong good ones! In the end, it's God's will that matters, and I know it will be worth the wait!
Friday, May 28, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Taking Risks
It's a very long story but I've found that over the last year or two I've shut down a lot emotionally, particularly in my writing. I have a hard time being open and honest when it comes to me and my REAL emotions. Even now, there are some family and friends that still don't know about this blog because I hesitate to let them see how I am feeling. Sometimes it's easier to trust strangers and distant friends with secrets and emotions than people you see every day. I really don't even know why.
It was actually difficult for me to publish that last post. I wanted to share it, I needed to make it public, to put it in writing. But when it came time to push the button, I hesitated. Then I read over it again and wondered why. There was nothing really BAD in it, nothing people would judge me over. It was just that I was putting myself out there a little that scared me. But I did it, and I felt better for doing so.
Then a reader, whom I had never seen or heard of before she found my blog, left a comment saying that she feels the exact same way and thanking me for it. Most importantly, she said that she needed to hear it too. It struck me that for the first time in a while, my writing had made an itsy bitsy difference to SOMEBODY. Pictures of the kids are cute and fun, especially for people that know me and people that want to know what being a nanny is really like. But sometimes God leads to write other things and honestly, I have been resisting.
Not only is that soooo wrong, but I think it's hurting me. Writing was once my outlet, and I think I had healthier ways of handling emotions then. Now I keep most things locked inside, and I have developed some less-healthy habits. (Don't worry, no drinking, smoking, or anything like that! More like sulking and denial...) I think I try to be perfect too much, when the fact is sometimes being imperfect, or at least acknowledging the imperfections, helps more people. So while there are a LOT of things that will stay locked away in a Word document no one ever reads, I am going to try to be more honest about things.
One thing that led me to this was an assignment I wrote, the very last elective lesson in the Journeyman course for the Christian Writers Guild. It was on "The Speaker as Writer" (or possibly vice versa...this was a month ago), and in it I had to take a speech or devotion I had recently delivered and turn it into an article. I don't speak pretty much EVER so I had to modify it and wrote a lesson I would LIKE to give at some point and turned it into an article. (I did inform my mentor, who was cool with it.)
I wrote a personal story that only my very close friends and family know about, at least details. It was okay for me because only my mentor, who has never met me and is miles upon miles away, would see it. She loved it though and strongly encouraged me to blog it. So, in the spirit of taking risks, I am going to post it tomorrow. (Although it's so late it will probably be today by the time most of you see it.) I don't know what it will mean to anybody, but I do know that I have a young person following my blog. I haven't the slightest clue if anyone else reads it, but maybe the story will be an encouragment to her. Or maybe it won't and I will just have the reward of having done what I feel God wants me to do with my talent and with the experience He provided for me.
It was actually difficult for me to publish that last post. I wanted to share it, I needed to make it public, to put it in writing. But when it came time to push the button, I hesitated. Then I read over it again and wondered why. There was nothing really BAD in it, nothing people would judge me over. It was just that I was putting myself out there a little that scared me. But I did it, and I felt better for doing so.
Then a reader, whom I had never seen or heard of before she found my blog, left a comment saying that she feels the exact same way and thanking me for it. Most importantly, she said that she needed to hear it too. It struck me that for the first time in a while, my writing had made an itsy bitsy difference to SOMEBODY. Pictures of the kids are cute and fun, especially for people that know me and people that want to know what being a nanny is really like. But sometimes God leads to write other things and honestly, I have been resisting.
Not only is that soooo wrong, but I think it's hurting me. Writing was once my outlet, and I think I had healthier ways of handling emotions then. Now I keep most things locked inside, and I have developed some less-healthy habits. (Don't worry, no drinking, smoking, or anything like that! More like sulking and denial...) I think I try to be perfect too much, when the fact is sometimes being imperfect, or at least acknowledging the imperfections, helps more people. So while there are a LOT of things that will stay locked away in a Word document no one ever reads, I am going to try to be more honest about things.
One thing that led me to this was an assignment I wrote, the very last elective lesson in the Journeyman course for the Christian Writers Guild. It was on "The Speaker as Writer" (or possibly vice versa...this was a month ago), and in it I had to take a speech or devotion I had recently delivered and turn it into an article. I don't speak pretty much EVER so I had to modify it and wrote a lesson I would LIKE to give at some point and turned it into an article. (I did inform my mentor, who was cool with it.)
I wrote a personal story that only my very close friends and family know about, at least details. It was okay for me because only my mentor, who has never met me and is miles upon miles away, would see it. She loved it though and strongly encouraged me to blog it. So, in the spirit of taking risks, I am going to post it tomorrow. (Although it's so late it will probably be today by the time most of you see it.) I don't know what it will mean to anybody, but I do know that I have a young person following my blog. I haven't the slightest clue if anyone else reads it, but maybe the story will be an encouragment to her. Or maybe it won't and I will just have the reward of having done what I feel God wants me to do with my talent and with the experience He provided for me.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
A Modified Version of Real Life
So I haven't had a lot of time lately, or at least, not time in which I have internet access to blog with. But I have been doing a lot of thinking on a lot of things, one of which is my job and my life in general.
It hadn't occurred to me how much two years has changed me until I went to visit my friend. We've been best friends since we were eleven but hadn't seen each other for two years. The last time we saw each other was also only for a night. She's been away at college and I've been busy with work and sometimes it's very hard to find time to talk. If it weren't for texting we wouldn't talk at all for huge chunks of time.
I guess we both kind of lost track of how much the other had changed. Not that it's been a bad thing; contrary to what she believes. ;) She was the one that first pointed out how confident I had become, in a roundabout way. We got a hotel for a couple nights in Williamsburg. I researched a nice one. I made the reservations. I went in and joked with the desk clerk, asked for everything we wanted, and eventually secured a small discount. And I was totally comfortable with all of it. (Now he was a very kind, good-humored desk clerk that was very approachable but still.)
The last month or so has opened my eyes to the fact that I am a fairly well-rounded person that is living a good life. For so long I have wobbled between letting others make me feel like I'm not living life because I still live at home, and feeling like I am less of a person because I'm not on a huge "life path" or engaged or anything. But you know what? I LIKE what I do, and it's serving me well. The money is good, and is enabling me to travel and learn and see and do things that will add more to my education and character.
The experience is good on many levels. In a lot of ways, I am getting a "dry run" at motherhood, at real life, only a modified version. (Mothers don't get paid to do their job, they don't get vacation, etc.) Last night I was up every hour with the kids because one was sick and the other is an infant (that only woke up twice, which was impressive, but her sister made up for it). I had to get up this morning and make breakfast and move along and help them pack for their trip and continue living. That's real life! That's what people do. (Granted I get to go home and nap for a bit after I take my check to the bank; so maybe I'm living a posh version of real life.)
It's also giving me the opportunity to meet many different kinds of people, different social classes, personality types, nationalities, religions. I learn a lot about people and places and even human nature itself just getting to know their friends and relatives, and meeting people at playgroups. I get to see how people handle themselves in different situations and in some cases (such as a big fancy hotel) I have learned how I need to handle myself.
I feel guilty for not writing as much. Yes, I need to work on that, but I am also garnering so much more knowledge and experience that is helpful especially in fiction writing. My job is good for me, my life is good for me. I love my life! It has taken me a long time to realize that (and I apologize to those of you who have tried to tell me before), but I do. I have to remind myself of that sometimes when I'm falling asleep at 8 o'clock at night and I'm only 20 years old. But who wrote the rule that just because you're 20 years old you can't go to bed early if you need to? Years ago, everyone did that because everyone worked. And I work. I am tired because I work, and that's a good reason.
So this is long and rambling, but I have been wanting to share it for some time. All in all, while I want to keep pressing forward and getting older and wiser, I think I'm in a good place. :)
It hadn't occurred to me how much two years has changed me until I went to visit my friend. We've been best friends since we were eleven but hadn't seen each other for two years. The last time we saw each other was also only for a night. She's been away at college and I've been busy with work and sometimes it's very hard to find time to talk. If it weren't for texting we wouldn't talk at all for huge chunks of time.
I guess we both kind of lost track of how much the other had changed. Not that it's been a bad thing; contrary to what she believes. ;) She was the one that first pointed out how confident I had become, in a roundabout way. We got a hotel for a couple nights in Williamsburg. I researched a nice one. I made the reservations. I went in and joked with the desk clerk, asked for everything we wanted, and eventually secured a small discount. And I was totally comfortable with all of it. (Now he was a very kind, good-humored desk clerk that was very approachable but still.)
The last month or so has opened my eyes to the fact that I am a fairly well-rounded person that is living a good life. For so long I have wobbled between letting others make me feel like I'm not living life because I still live at home, and feeling like I am less of a person because I'm not on a huge "life path" or engaged or anything. But you know what? I LIKE what I do, and it's serving me well. The money is good, and is enabling me to travel and learn and see and do things that will add more to my education and character.
The experience is good on many levels. In a lot of ways, I am getting a "dry run" at motherhood, at real life, only a modified version. (Mothers don't get paid to do their job, they don't get vacation, etc.) Last night I was up every hour with the kids because one was sick and the other is an infant (that only woke up twice, which was impressive, but her sister made up for it). I had to get up this morning and make breakfast and move along and help them pack for their trip and continue living. That's real life! That's what people do. (Granted I get to go home and nap for a bit after I take my check to the bank; so maybe I'm living a posh version of real life.)
It's also giving me the opportunity to meet many different kinds of people, different social classes, personality types, nationalities, religions. I learn a lot about people and places and even human nature itself just getting to know their friends and relatives, and meeting people at playgroups. I get to see how people handle themselves in different situations and in some cases (such as a big fancy hotel) I have learned how I need to handle myself.
I feel guilty for not writing as much. Yes, I need to work on that, but I am also garnering so much more knowledge and experience that is helpful especially in fiction writing. My job is good for me, my life is good for me. I love my life! It has taken me a long time to realize that (and I apologize to those of you who have tried to tell me before), but I do. I have to remind myself of that sometimes when I'm falling asleep at 8 o'clock at night and I'm only 20 years old. But who wrote the rule that just because you're 20 years old you can't go to bed early if you need to? Years ago, everyone did that because everyone worked. And I work. I am tired because I work, and that's a good reason.
So this is long and rambling, but I have been wanting to share it for some time. All in all, while I want to keep pressing forward and getting older and wiser, I think I'm in a good place. :)
Monday, May 24, 2010
Highlights with Pictures
It was a very busy weekend. Here are a few highlights with pictures:
Painting cards for her daddy's birthday. I made one card with her handprint, Emi's footprint, and the dog's pawprint. He loved them!
Licking the spoon after making a strawberry cake for her daddy. It's his favorite!
Both girls all dressed up for church, Emi's first time. They were happier than they looked. Camila didn't want to take a picture and Emi slumped just as I snapped the picture. At church they did FABULOUS. Camila loves the singing and stayed quiet when I told her to during the prayer. Emi drank a bottle. Then, during the sermon, they both fell asleep so instead of leaving for the nursery, I got to sit out the whole time! And, as a bonus, people were impressed at how they were both out the whole time "without making a peep".
A better picture of Emi. Yes, I did dress them alike. We don't do it all the time but it's just soooo cute occasionally.
And last but not least, our new obsession: Mickey Mouse! I think it's because the cleaning lady always wore a Mickey shirt. Her daddy had brought her a Minnie Mouse from Orlando when she was a baby and he took her to get a Goofy and Pluto. She carries all three of them around the house now. At church we had a visiting family whose wife's name was Micki. When they announced it, Camila's ears perked up. "Mickey movie?" Poor thing was so hopeful I hated having to tell her no, we weren't showing a Mickey movie.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Best Friends
There is nothing like best friends. Me & mine are an interesting pair.
Total opposites, we hit it off from the start. When we met she was about to turn 12 and I was 11. Almost 10 years later, we're still friends. Even when we're driving each other absolutely UP. THE. WALL! We're still friends. :) I moved, she went to college across the country, we've both been through our phases and actually have argued a couple times (we made it through the first 5 years without a fight), but we still love each other. It's pretty neat.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Random News and Pictures
Yay! I am once again sitting in an airport, this time headed to North Carolina! I love vacation...then again, I just love travel. I really think I could do a job with travel. Maybe when these girls outgrow me, I could get a job as a vacation nanny? Then again, you don't get to pick and choose the children...hmmm. I may have to do some thinking on this over the next couple years.
So back to the Phantom of the Opera story, I got my dvd in the mail and while watching the special features, I discovered it underwent many years of revisions and even rejection before becoming what it is today. The book was written over a century ago, and was not well understood. (From what I've heard, it's not well-written, but I haven't read it.) It was still made into several movies, only one of which is remotely remembered today (besides the most recent). Then when they decided to make a musical, it took a lot of struggling and re-imagining to get it together. A trial version of sorts was debuted at the composer's home in the country, and it was well received. But almost none of the lyrics are what we know today! And listening to them, I think "wow that's awful." But it's really not that they are bad, just that he thought of something better. (Well, there was more than one lyricist, so I should say they.) Finally after a couple years of trying, the show debuted and became a hit. But even when the movie was made over sixteen years after it debuted in London, he made more changes because he felt it could use improvement. This answered my question as to why some lyrics were different.
So back to the Phantom of the Opera story, I got my dvd in the mail and while watching the special features, I discovered it underwent many years of revisions and even rejection before becoming what it is today. The book was written over a century ago, and was not well understood. (From what I've heard, it's not well-written, but I haven't read it.) It was still made into several movies, only one of which is remotely remembered today (besides the most recent). Then when they decided to make a musical, it took a lot of struggling and re-imagining to get it together. A trial version of sorts was debuted at the composer's home in the country, and it was well received. But almost none of the lyrics are what we know today! And listening to them, I think "wow that's awful." But it's really not that they are bad, just that he thought of something better. (Well, there was more than one lyricist, so I should say they.) Finally after a couple years of trying, the show debuted and became a hit. But even when the movie was made over sixteen years after it debuted in London, he made more changes because he felt it could use improvement. This answered my question as to why some lyrics were different.
Circling back around to my writing, it encouraged me a lot. Good things really do take time. Sometimes a LOT of time. But you get there if you keep working at it. So I will. I got my evaluation back from my teacher and she had a lot of good things to say and really no negative. She also advised to just keep plugging away at it. We'll see what happens!
In other news, I have finally uploaded pictures of me in the van and have a couple new pictures of the girls. I can't believe I'm leaving them again already, but when I come back I have no plans to be gone more than a day or two for a long, long time.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Inspiration
It's taken me a long time to get back to this because, as usual, life has been busy. But it has been good! I managed to schedule myself 55 hours last week, but haven't worked as many this week. (The problem was getting to the internet.)
I am excited that time is the issue, and not that I have nothing to write about. Because for some reason, the writing has flowed much easier the last week or two. I don't know if it's because I finished my CWG course this week, so there are no deadlines or forced subjects right now; or maybe because I just came off vacation and have been in a clearer mindset. Or maybe it's because I was recently inspired by a great story.
In New York, I saw "Phantom of the Opera." The storyline has never interested me before (I saw the Wishbone episode), but it was one of the cleaner musicals on Broadway right now and my aunts insisted I would love it. Either way, it was a Broadway play, right? It would be cool to just BE there.
I absolutely loved it. There were parts where too many people were singing different parts so we couldn't understand the lyrics, and some parts were a little cheesy. But the story was amazing...simple at a casual glance, but when you study it, the characters and their motivations are so complex and it's such a greatly told story. I thought about it for days and days afterwards and found myself catching on to things I hadn't realized the first time around. While I'm not a supporter of the composer at all (my aunt paid for it, so I can rationalize that my money didn't go to him), I was highly impressed. I want to write like that, write characters that heartbreaking and real. Today we would consider the Phantom a stalker, a psycho, bordering on abusive. And yes, he is all those things, but you found yourself rooting for him! She didn't understand, he did it for her, he was trying to show his love. But living underground, and in a cruel carnival before that, he didn't know the proper ways to go about things. And once again, his love was rejected. (It breaks my heart when Christine and Raoul sing on the rooftop, and she basically asks Raoul to show total love and devotion to the point of obsession. The Phantom doesn't understand, HE loves her like that, if that's all she wants, he will provide it. But then he does...it's because of his face. If he looked like Raoul, she would accept him. He doesn't understand that the murder was a bit of a turn-off.) It's also a classic case of the attraction to a bad boy, because Christine does harbor some feelings toward him throughout the play.
There are so many layers to the story, and I think that's what makes it strong. I think my writing needs that, more complexity, and more layers, and I'm trying to work on finding that. But I don't feel forced. Slowly, I'm writing more. I sat down the other night and wrote 3 pages within 30 minutes. It just came to me. Finally.
I have another vacation next week (no award-winning plays in this one though). Maybe that will preserve the mindset and I will be able to continue.
I am excited that time is the issue, and not that I have nothing to write about. Because for some reason, the writing has flowed much easier the last week or two. I don't know if it's because I finished my CWG course this week, so there are no deadlines or forced subjects right now; or maybe because I just came off vacation and have been in a clearer mindset. Or maybe it's because I was recently inspired by a great story.
In New York, I saw "Phantom of the Opera." The storyline has never interested me before (I saw the Wishbone episode), but it was one of the cleaner musicals on Broadway right now and my aunts insisted I would love it. Either way, it was a Broadway play, right? It would be cool to just BE there.
I absolutely loved it. There were parts where too many people were singing different parts so we couldn't understand the lyrics, and some parts were a little cheesy. But the story was amazing...simple at a casual glance, but when you study it, the characters and their motivations are so complex and it's such a greatly told story. I thought about it for days and days afterwards and found myself catching on to things I hadn't realized the first time around. While I'm not a supporter of the composer at all (my aunt paid for it, so I can rationalize that my money didn't go to him), I was highly impressed. I want to write like that, write characters that heartbreaking and real. Today we would consider the Phantom a stalker, a psycho, bordering on abusive. And yes, he is all those things, but you found yourself rooting for him! She didn't understand, he did it for her, he was trying to show his love. But living underground, and in a cruel carnival before that, he didn't know the proper ways to go about things. And once again, his love was rejected. (It breaks my heart when Christine and Raoul sing on the rooftop, and she basically asks Raoul to show total love and devotion to the point of obsession. The Phantom doesn't understand, HE loves her like that, if that's all she wants, he will provide it. But then he does...it's because of his face. If he looked like Raoul, she would accept him. He doesn't understand that the murder was a bit of a turn-off.) It's also a classic case of the attraction to a bad boy, because Christine does harbor some feelings toward him throughout the play.
There are so many layers to the story, and I think that's what makes it strong. I think my writing needs that, more complexity, and more layers, and I'm trying to work on finding that. But I don't feel forced. Slowly, I'm writing more. I sat down the other night and wrote 3 pages within 30 minutes. It just came to me. Finally.
I have another vacation next week (no award-winning plays in this one though). Maybe that will preserve the mindset and I will be able to continue.
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